Practicing Loss
The last time I wrote about death was when my mom passed from pancreatic cancer about five years ago. I talked about it being the first time I felt like I really had to deal with hardship and true loss. We practice loss when we meditate, letting go of what we are attached to in the moment, but it’s of course more difficult when we lose a person we are close to. We practice dying in a way as well by experiencing ego death, though I imagine actually dying will be in some ways more difficult and in others easier than meditation.
When I ponder the question of the week, (Why do people fear death?), I have a different perspective now. Instead of my mother’s death being foremost on my mind, my nearly two year old daughter is. I rarely ponder the possibility of Alora dying, mostly because it ruins me so completely in the moment that I have to let it go quickly. I do, however, find myself being significantly more cautious (and a bit paranoid) in everyday life. When I park the car and get out, I wonder how long it would take someone to find Alora in the back seat if I got hit by another car in that moment. So I look both ways twice. When we are crossing the street together, I look both ways thrice.
What We Fear Losing
Besides my daughter’s safety, I find myself wondering what I would miss of her life if something happened to me now. I’m basically planning her wedding and can’t wait to have grandkids, though I assume I’ll have to wait a few decades for that. I just hope she doesn’t wait as long as I did because chasing after little ones at 80 might be a stretch. Alora’s future is so wide open; most days I spend a decent amount of time wondering what she will make of herself and her life. FOMO is real in life and in death.
These two general areas are probably why most of us fear death: the pain and unknown of death, as well as all the things we’ll miss. When we contemplate our own death, one of the other things that comes up for many of us is fear of regret. It seems to me that while the actual dying part is largely out of our hands and missing out on things is a foregone conclusion, regret is a thing we can really work on.
Regret and Staying Present
One of the things our practice teaches us is that fear of what will happen and attachment to things that have already happened tend to get in the way. If we mess up on the count in Kung Fu and worry who saw it, we are already messing up the next count. If we are doing the 108 in Tai Chi and start worrying about losing our balance during turn and kick with sole before we get there, we mess up the current posture. In Jiu Jitsu we must stay present to what our partner is doing right now, lest we miss the opportunity to counter.
Regret is really a form of attachment to the past, combined sometimes with a fear of the future. Just like in practice, when we find ourselves in that state of mind we let it go. Replacing [regret] with [working on something that will allow us to move forward] without regret is the only way. Made a mistake during class? Make a mental note to work on that technique so that it’s better next time. Duffed a presentation at work? Decide how the next one will be ten times better and get to work on it.
Be Here Now
While fearing death is a natural and healthy thing (otherwise we would die way more easily), there is a limit to the utility of fear. That limit is quite low in my opinion. Regret has an even lower utility. The next time you find yourself fearing death or regretting life decisions, consider what you can focus on that will move you forward in a constructive and empowering way. Like in meditation where we let go of thought by focusing on the breath, focus on something that you can do in the real world rather than in your head. Be here now.
