The Paradox of Change
Humans are by nature paradoxical. For example, we both crave the excitement that change brings and resist change for the discomfort it causes. This time of year is infamous for both embracing and resistance to change. In the Dojo we usually see a rush of people signing up for martial arts classes (and this year Yoga). We also see the struggle that many of these people experience forming new habits. By February, a good number of these people have truly become students, while another chunk have had their final class even if they don’t know it yet.
Quitter’s day is a phenomenon I heard about for the first time recently. The second Friday in January is the day that most people have given up on their new year’s resolutions. This was discovered by the analysis of data from fitness apps, so we get much better results because of the more engaging nature of our practice. Still, most resolutions don’t last long. Part of this is the nature of resolutions. They are usually set up for failure from the beginning as they aren’t specific or action-driven but rather tend to be nebulous wishes or dreams.
The Power of SMART Goals
We focus on setting SMART goals that are:
- Specific
- Measurable
- Achievable
- Reasonable
- Timely
With these goals, we know exactly what we should be doing each day. We can break down even overwhelming goals into manageable pieces. For example, one of my goals this year is to practice Mandarin on Duolingo for 15 minutes or more every day for 6 months. Before martial arts, I would have just said I think I’ll try and learn a new language this year. Come Jan 1st I wouldn’t have known what to do. Maybe I’d start researching some ways to learn languages and maybe I’d even try one or two of them. Likely I would lose steam and have given up completely by Quitter’s day.
Small Tasks Make Change Manageable
The nice thing about SMART goals is that it helps us embrace change by giving us smaller daily tasks that we can fit into our day. If we think only about learning a language as the end goal, every day we wake up and think to ourselves, I’ll never learn this language. We easily get overwhelmed and give up. However, if we think of 15 minutes of practice today, that’s fairly easy to stick to.
We tend to resist change the most when it seems to throw our whole life into chaos. When we have to change many things, we feel untethered and unsafe. Our ego is afraid of drastic change, so it comes up with subtle ways of fighting it (like laziness). This can happen when we set goals or make resolutions that seem so big that we have to become a different person.
I am actually a fan of setting at least one Unreasonable goal each year, one that we will have to essentially change our nature to achieve. I only recommend this after you have become a master of Reasonable goals. Once we have practiced achieving goals, we know we can take on bigger and bigger changes.
Parenthood: The Ultimate Change
Easily the biggest change and challenge I’ve taken on in my life to date has been becoming a father. I’ve known for a while that I would have to become a different person, to become much more selfless and put the needs of another person ahead of mine every time. Grace would probably have liked it if this change had come when we got married, but it’s better late than never.
While I definitely wouldn’t say I’ve reached my final form as a father, it’s given me a totally new perspective. Going through the crucible of sleepless nights and 20-diaper days has made everything that is yet to come seem easier, and many parents have assured me that it will not be.
Being a parent makes it easy to take things one day at a time because I get to see Alora grow and make progress. It seems like every day she’s making some new sound or learning how to move in some dangerous new way.
An infant is a great example of the kind of attitude we should have about change. Alora may not consciously set goals, but her beginner’s mind and ability to be present in each moment as she improves is inspiring. She truly seems like a different person each month.
Embracing Change in 2025
In 2025 I urge you to embrace change by finding joy in the little moments of your process. Celebrate the daily tasks you complete and let the misses roll off your back. Be like an infant who just keeps getting back up after falling over and focus on the next step.
