I’ve been writing and speaking about how to best deal with challenge and hardship in life for about 20 years now, and I have a confession to make: I don’t think that I’ve had to truly deal with hardship in my own life. If you’ve known me for any length of time this probably comes as no surprise; I talk often about my charmed existence. One of the main reasons I love Martial Arts so much is because it was the first and most consistent challenge I have faced. 

If you wonder why somebody would revel in putting themselves through a challenge, it’s probably because you have different challenges in your life, challenges that you didn’t get to choose. The truth is, we can walk away from the challenges of practice and meditation at any point. That is one of the nice things about it; since we choose certain challenges, the primary experience is the high of overcoming the challenge. When we have hardships put in our lives through outside forces, however, our main experience is often something like self-pity, frustration, resentment, or some other form of taking it personally. Some of you probably experience those to some degree during Martial Arts practice, but less than say from the loss of a loved one.

Mom

Since I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago, I have dealt with some of those feelings. I have often wondered how I would respond to a real hardship like losing a parent. I don’t know if I’ve dealt with it in the “right” way, but my experience has been that I’ve responded well in the face of profound loss.

I miss my mom greatly. There have been many times where I picked up the phone to call her before realizing that there is no more time to catch up, talk about our day or what is going on in the world. I’ll never again see her smiling face at the door or sing and dance with her. My kids will never get to meet her. We’ve had our last hug.

I’m deeply saddened by this. As I write, tears stream down my face. I believe it’s important for me to fully experience this loss and to be with it for a while. Sometimes I second-guess myself and wonder if I’m allowing myself to grieve enough…I assume it’ll come and go for a while and I’ve decided to be ok with whatever that looks like.

Since I have a (sometimes annoyingly) positive disposition, I mostly am still my light-hearted, energetic self. I can’t say that I feel like I have been changed in any drastic way by the loss of my mother, though I do find myself ruminating on mortality a bit more lately. Of course, since one of my mantras is to see the opportunity in every challenge, I have channeled this into appreciating every day and each moment more fully. 

Rollercoaster challenge

Martial Arts and meditation have certainly prepared me for this to some extent through the practice of letting go of attachments to negative thoughts and glimpses of ego-death. I’ve gotten a few questions from students lately about the idea of cultivating an even mind without the dramatic swings up and down. Our normal experience is like a rollercoaster with highs of excitement and lows of depression. We are meant to smooth out these swings and be level headed. Yet doesn’t it seem that we should seek the highs and only try to get rid of the lows? We can try this, but highs are only highs because of accompanying lows. If we strive to push away either, we are just stuck with that attachment to avoidance. It is better to just let ourselves feel without attachment and be ok with being exactly where we are on the rollercoaster. 

As I experience the aftermath of my mom’s death, I have sometimes been low, dwelling on the loss. I have also been high, remembering her amazing life and the fun times we had together. These natural rhythms are ok. I experience them, but don’t dwell on them.

While the sting of loss fades, the rollercoaster evens out. I hold onto the memories of my mom and take her with me to help me deal with life’s next challenge.